Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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