When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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