We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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