I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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