If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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