i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
