I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
