something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize