you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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