hotel room ftw
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
