You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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