if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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