Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Mom said you looked used
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
