i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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