he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
