I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
