yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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