there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
