organizing the empties. That sober.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
