Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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