Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
