then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
