i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
