Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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