she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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