Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
