So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
