update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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