You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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