I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
