Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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