i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Randomize
