We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
