My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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