I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
