there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
