I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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