Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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