I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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