omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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