Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
