I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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