oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
