So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
