Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Randomize
