New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
bring money and cleavage
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
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