have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
