oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
