Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
