guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just blew my weed a kiss
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
