Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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