My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
