The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
