Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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