i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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