You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
