I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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