My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
