I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
