the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
