Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
