Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
