I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Actions speak louder than pants.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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